"I miss you. I miss not touching each other. Not seeing each other, not breathing in each other. I want you. All the time. No one else."
Blue Is The Warmest Color
Dir. Abdellatif Kechiche
I feel like a ticking time bomb about to blow;
My needle ticking for every second that
My impending finals results are unreleased.
I can feel the dread consuming my head;
The anxiousness in my breath;
The fear cringing in my blood;
As I am forced to wait patiently for said results.
I can feel my thoughts pacing back and forth;
My blinks as sluggish as the time passing;
My paranoia has personified into a shadow
That hovers over my future and every hope I have.
The timebomb is ticking rhythmically in my cranium;
The ticks identical to my nervous heartbeats;
Like the sound of my agitated footsteps,
Where everywhere I turn and go, I see red -
I fear the red mark known as failure;
I see the red lines in my dreams; in my sleep;
Whenever I shut my eyes but I cannot shut my mind.
My wicked mind is contorting me into lunacy;
Not even a straightjacket can mentally restrain me;
My soul feels like fleeing as my body has to sit here;
And accept everything here in reality -
Dirty, filthy, unfair reality - the whole fucking horror;
The crooning suspense and deprivation of answers.
It lurks at my helplessness, my vulnerable emotions;
While I sit here and type this tonight,
I do not know how to react to tomorrow -
Except to unleash one final tick and detonate.
Yesterday I found out what it felt like
To fall in love with him all over again;
What all those colossal emotions felt like;
How the rush took over me like a wave; and
The familiar butterflies in my stomach -
When I looked at the love of my life;
When I listened to his joyful voice;
When I felt his warm and tight embraces.
It was like going back in time to experience
The day I realised when I loved him;
The moment I knew, once again,
That this was the boy I want to spend
A lot more years with.
The feeling is nothing but pure comfort;
It is as if knowing that you have made
The absolute perfect choice in your partner;
That all doubts in your head has been rested;
And it feels like the ultimate validation
From your mind, heart and spirit within,
That he is your one true love and that
You couldn’t and wouldn’t do any better.
Falling in love again is like a fresh new outlook,
With the same familiar sentiments;
It is like all worries about the present disappears;
And all you look forward to is how wonderful
The future together will be like.
All the fights you had before are petty,
And all the disagreements are irrelevant;
Because I know how it feels like to fall in love again:
This love feels eternal and everlasting;
Our love feels so right and untouchable;
It all just feels so fucking undefeatable -
That I know the only people who can destroy
And tear down what we have is us; and we
Definitely have to work every second to keep this alive.
None of us shall give this up to the naysayers;
Nor to distance, or to time; or to imbalances;
Because I love you and all that comes with,
Now and years to come.
My beau and I have been together for 8 months now;
And I realised that this relationship is a
Never-ending learning process between the both of us.
We learn and discover and embrace new things
About ourselves, and each other almost every day;
Or almost every time we are in each other’s company.
We find our strengths and our weaknesses constantly;
More importantly, we learn to accept and/or overcome them.
The moments may result from the topics we discuss,
The activities we enjoy together, or completely off guard -
Moments where I look at the boy I love and just
Fall in love with him in an instance, all over again; or
I remember exactly what it felt like on the day I knew I loved him;
And I know exactly why I love him so much.
I’ll admit that we aren’t one hundred percent alike, and
We don’t possess the exact same interests or even personalities -
The things that we have argued about range from petty things like
Staying in and going out, to matters of the future and
Our plans for each other with each other - but, when it comes
Down to what really matters, we know when to give and take.
We compromise, we hash things out, and we forgive;
Because when you love someone, it’s more important than
Being correct all the time, or winning fights, or claiming the
Award for giving the longest cold shoulder to their partner ever.
When you ultimately end up fighting about something,
You will have the desire to drop your guns and seek them out;
Your entire day is ruined and it doesn’t help if you were right;
And every second you try to hold back an apology,
It will just feel like the longest damning silence in your life.
Love isn’t about spending the most amount of time
Attached to the hip of your partner, nor the
Amount of calls, texts, and emails you bombard your lover with;
It is not the number of times you tell him, ‘I love you,’
Or the most expensive present you can afford to buy him.
Love is pure and genuine - it is personified in
Your eyes, your touch and your intimacy;
Your understanding and acceptance for each other;
Your vows and the promises you intend to keep;
And enough faith that this bond will last a long time.
In summer, where the semesters are over
And the final exams are dealt with,
'Tis the season for friends to catch up
With one another, and for girlfriends to have
Tea and brunch and gab over gossip and boys.
It is so unconventional, and not to mention,
Pretty unethical to drag along your boyfriend
For an afternoon session of tea with the girls!
I swear, this old classmate of mine is one super
Dependent, spineless, shameful excuse for a woman
Who cannot - for even a pathetic millisecond in her
One-year relationship - let go of her boyfriend
FOR A SESSION OF TEA WITH THE GIRLS.
Women like these absolutely disgust me;
This whole thing nauseates me till I have to resort to
Blocking all their feeds on my Facebook homepage,
And unfollowing their Twitter and Instagram accounts,
Because couples like these are reasons why the
World gets annoyed by young love to begin with.
Young love is a relationship by immature lovers;
Who seriously believe that if they even spend a second
Apart from their soulmates, that their life is over;
And they travel practically everywhere while being
Surgically joined at the hip to one another; and
The essence of their entire existence is being with their partner
FOREVER that any sign of a potential separation will
Render their nights sleepless, their food tasteless,
Their conversations obsessive, and their life pointless.
I honestly have no respect for overly-attached people,
Mainly because I have never really understood them;
But if their whole premise is to only feel ‘complete’
With their partners by their side, then I really do not
Empathize with couples who attempt to integrate
Themselves into one giant hermaphrodite blob.
I don’t really care if you say you can’t breathe without him,
And I can’t sympathize you when you sob at not having
Your pillar/backbone to lean on 24/7, and
I sure as hell will not assist you if you intend on always
Checking up on his activities and whereabouts
Every goddamn waking moment of every goddamn day.
I am grateful that you still consider me a friend even though
I am basically mocking you in a public blog post right now
About your childish attachment and dependence over your
Superficial (or not, I don’t care) relationship, but girl,
YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT.
A relationship is supposed to amplify your life,
Not to solely be your whole fucking life;
And I may come off as a little hypocritical lately with
My own newfound relationship, but I can tell you straight up
That neither my beau nor myself would want our
Relationship to get clingy and whiny and compulsive.
This kind of boundaryless attitude towards each other
Is extremely destructive, and it will spread out to
All your future relationships with family, friends and associates.
So please, just heed my warning now, learn some moderation,
And don’t invite your boyfriend to tea with us.
I need to, I need to, I need to
Get my temper in check regarding the way I
React to things and respond impulsively and excessively;
I have to treat him nicer, and love him better;
I ought to know that all I have done lately is
Abusive, and absolutely uncalled for; and I have to
Learn how to control my emotions before
Time ultimately controls my losses.
I should stop taking it for granted that every time
I lose my temper, I can crawl back to him and apologise;
I should brace myself that there might be a day where
He ceases to forgive me after many unforgivable mistakes,
And that would be the day I obtain my greatest regret.
I must swallow my pride, and behave rationally;
With respect not trash; with class not crass; and
Start making up for all my wrongs and blunders.
He is the love of my life, and I would never ever
Wish to destroy this relationship with my ego or my words -
My sharp, sharp, incredibly impulsive words -
I shan’t be a colossal bitch if I can help it.
I love him so much, and I truly believe we can be in this
For the long haul - we just need to have the will to fight;
Not fight each other but fight the odds, I suppose.
Time, distance, and interest are said odds; and I assume
We will have enough factors working against us in the future,
Than to wage constant battles between ourselves.
There is still a lot of things for us to learn in this relationship -
About one another and the way everything works -
But I know we will make it with an even better chance
If I seriously learn to keep my moods and temper in check.
I love him enough.
I have been acting out a lot lately, and
Have been a rather unpleasant girlfriend to deal with.
I am this point in my life where my approach
To relationships is straightforward, and I shall
Entertain no flings or casual romances or
One night fucks in the name of youth; and
Being in this period of the year where love
Has periodically stared me sour in the face,
It has become incredibly hard to shed my
Armor of doubt and skepticism over any
Current love and relationship that I am blissfully in now.
Psychologically, my mind is working overtime to
Remind me that nothing will last forever;
My emotions are acting out overtime to
Continuously warn me of potential heartbreak;
And time weighs heavily on me to prompt me
To keep asking myself, "Is this going to last?"
These days I have been hanging on an ultra short fuse,
To deflect any minor hiccups I pinpointed in this relationship;
I have fastened myself tightly - day and night -
To my backup wagon of broken hearts in the event
That this relationship crumbles to absolute dust; and
I constantly keep testing the waters of trust as this is
What a hopeless lover resorts to in the absence of reason.
My approach to relationships is clear: Go big, or go home -
You can choose to commit to me, or get lost;
And whatever blunders that happen afterward will
Highly likely be out of our control and not because
One, or both, of us has fallen out of love for one another.
This is the halfway point in the relationship, and
Before I can drop the tension and take another step forward,
I need to know that the both of us are going big;
That the only persons we go home to in the future is us;
And that I can finally put the mid-year breakup curse
To rest once and for all.